A Vagina with Legs


Flower petal or vagina?

The mother of invention made it good for me
Tighter in the rear
Longer in the seam
Kicked out yards of leather
Wrapped around her waist
Trimmed it to perfection
And left a little space
Since God Invented Girls, Bernie Taupin
(c) 1988 Big Pig Music

Is it Bajingo or Bazinga?

Vagina.   What a word. Three syllables.  Six letters.  But powerful. When I was growing up, you never, ever, ever, EVER said that word in public. We also didn’t talk about menstruation, usually, but sometimes we did. But we never EVER said the word vagina. Not even at slumber parties. And we certainly never said the word in front of members of the opposite sex. We never said the word penis either, for that matter, but that’s another story. Continue reading

The not-so-secret secret to a happy marriage


The men keep coming and going and going and coming–and always too soon


I have to thank my friend Shirley for this.  She told me the secret many years ago, and it has made a difference in my marriage.  It’s really not a secret at all; I had heard this advice before, but somehow when she explained it, it made sense to me. 

Here’s what she said.  Sex is a physical need for men.    The desire builds up and must be released.  So, she advised me, have sex with your husband when he asks.  Even if you don’t feel like it.  That’s it.  That’s all she said.  She didn’t say it was my “wifely duty” or anything like that. 

Now, before I am accused of telling woman to be subservient to men, believe me I’m not.  I’m a card-carrying, Gloria Steinham, Ms. Magazine feminist.  I grew up in the era of burning bras and “I am Woman, hear me roar.”  I’m no doormat.

I’m just saying that sex is a big part of a successful marriage.  It’s not the only thing of course. Having good sex does not guarantee  a good marriage.  If there are other issues, sex won’t fix them.  No, good sex does not guarantee a good marriage, but I’ll bet every happy marriage includes a good sex life.  

But there’s another side to this coin.  Men, if you want your woman to enjoy sex, you have to do it right.  It’s not all about you.  She needs to have a good time.  And that means one thing, and it starts with a “C”.  If you don’t know how to do it, learn.  Google it or buy a book.  Don’t try to learn from porn; they don’t do it right.  Don’t slap the kitty.  If you can learn to keep the kitty purring, your wife will chase you into the bedroom, I promise you.

Why is this so important?  Because men love sex.   As Shirley told me, it’s a physical thing for them.  So,  if you are not having sex with your spouse, someone else probably is. 

I understand that when the kids come along, we get tired and don’t feel like it.  A marriage goes through peaks and valleys in this way.   It doesn’t take very long, however, and if done correctly, both parties feel better afterwards. 

If you think this does not apply to your marriage, then you are wearing blinders.  I can hear the excuses and rationalizations.  No, your marriage is not an exception. 

I had a good friend who pretty much stopped having regular sex with her husband after her daughter was born. (Her daughter is now 20).   She said her husband didn’t mind.  Perhaps he didn’t.  Every Sunday he went to the club to get a steam.

I do not mean to say that I condone adultery; not at all.  I’m just saying that you should not neglect this part of your marriage.

Years ago I worked with a young, attractive blonde woman, who was probably in her twenties at the time.  She had married her high school sweetheart.  She seemed pretty confident that she had a good marriage.  I had no reason to doubt her until she made an off-hand comment that sent a red flag shooting up the flagpole.   

She was talking about her husband’s upcoming birthday and was describing the plans she had made to celebrate.  Then she said:   “Of course, there’s the obligatory birthday sex.”

What?  Obligatory sex?  There’s something wrong in this marriage.  And indeed there was.  He left her for another woman just a couple of years later.  I ran into her ex and his new wife.  He was beaming and she looked at him with the most adoring eyes.  You could tell she thought he hung the moon. (No pun intended.)

If you are not willing to have sex with your spouse, someone else probably is.  And it’s not just the sex—it’s the intimacy that grows from it that’s important too.  Sex brings you closer together, both literally and figuratively. 
Another time,  I was talking to a different friend.  She had been married a long time.  She was telling me about her recent vacation and how great it was.  And then she said:
“X was bugging me so I had sex first thing to get it out of the way so I could enjoy myself.” 

Another red flag.  A couple of years later I ran into her after not having seen her for about a year.  She told me she was divorced.  She said her husband just up and served her with divorce papers right out of the blue.

“Were you surprised?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said.

I wasn’t.   And sure enough, he had another woman waiting in the wings.

This is all just my opinion, mind you.  I’m not an expert on marriage.  But I do know a thing or two about happiness, if you get my drift.


Please no naked men in the men’s locker room

Billy showed me this comment card on our way out of the Y yesterday:

Someone else must have written the “OLD MEN DON’T KNOW BETTER.”   For some reason, this comment really ticked Billy off.  I didn’t understand why until we got into the car.  As we were driving home, Billy said:  “I shave naked in the locker room.” 

I understand now.  Billy is obviously one of the “excessive number of men” referenced in the comment.  Billy is not, of course, the one drying his hair.  He has no hair to dry.

“Why don’t you put on your underwear before you shave?” I asked.

“Because I get out of the shower, shave, put on my deodorant and then bet dressed.”

I get it.  It’s his routine.  He shaves naked at home too, but I don’t mind.   Billy is not about to change his routine because of some prude in the locker room.

Speaking of routines, I have settled into one also.  Billy and I go to the Y almost every day.  I feel good while I’m working out and for a couple of hours afterward, but then the endorphins drain away and I go back to feeling depressed and anxious.  I’ve been eating a lot of Tums lately for the anxiety.  I get chest pains when I’m anxious.

We have only had one viewing for our house.  One.  I guess it’s because of the snow.

My mother has found a new apartment and is marginally speaking to us again.

I’m looking for a new job, but it has to be on my terms– less stress.  Finding a new job is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be.  I’d like to combine several part time jobs into a full time job:  some teaching, some free lance writing, and some legal work.  My therapist keeps saying I have a lot of options, but I wonder.

Perhaps I could get a job at the Y as an attendant in the men’s locker room.